An apology.

After a little chat with my friend CCL, who was also pissed bcoz he’s got far more complicated conditions than I do, I started feeling sorry for all my behaviors these days and the bad mood and depressions I’ve been spreading around my family and friends.

As we all say the good endings costs a long wait. For I always knew that and exactly the proper words to make people in such situations feel better, I never had a chance to practice when it happens to me, until now. Waiting for a visa might be the worst thing ever happened to a 22 year old Chinese female like me, one who was born into a complete family with decent childhood and teenage education, for it seems that the waiting never ends and all that would come across my mind was the worst that could happen. However this was definitely no excuse at all to upset everyone around you neither.

In the past few weeks as the waiting started annoying me a certain fear lingers. As I wake up in the morning I can’t see hope coming for I never suppose the day would be the one that my phone rings and I receive the news I’ve been waiting for so long. You might lose as well the will to get out of bed, even freshen up for the coming noon, maybe not even willing to take a step downstairs to get yourself a simple cup of milk and call it a decent beginning. Things would get even worse when all the incoming calls are from friends and relatives, asking, out of definitely good intention, about how the visa ended. At first I would answer it and tell them politely that I’m still waiting, with hope maybe, and thanks for concerning; however as time goes by and hope fading away, I couldn’t help at questioning myself if everything would just be fine as we all expected.

Time kills your willing to believe. Somehow as I grow up I started to learn how every decision and every step may affect the rest of one’s life. As a kid I could stay up till 3 in the morning playing video games or simply doing nothing at all before the coming exam while I still get good grades and high scores. Somehow, and that’s the very tricky part, when you start to pay attention on everything you do and every word you say, you do it wrong and fail your own little hope. It was all right when I took the few early exams in college, for getting a better grade might be important, but not serious enough to get me depressed if I don’t. As I realized how important it might be to me to get a certain thing done, the chance of failure might rise just bcoz of some weird yet key detail. So here I am, worried to death about whether I’ll get the visa or not, as for me it will decide if I’m gonna waste another year waiting or not losing any precious minute or penny in a bad decision of the embassy of Spain.

Anyway, I think I owe an apology to everyone affected by my bad mood, for my cold unconcerning face and my foolishness. According to my mothers’ criticize a few years back I was too busy thinking about my own business that I almost ignored the rest of the world, I suppose I never learned to adjust myself to be a better person. I’m so very sorry that my only worry these days was the result of my visa and the possible consequences that might be brought by an unwanted ending, and I’m even sorrier that how all the others surprise me when they told me they have their own crap in their lives that they didn’t feel like talking to me for they all wanted me to get easy and not disturbed by more problems.

I’m sorry that I’ve been so ungrateful and selfish, and I guess I’ve realized what truly matters is not how the visa could screw my life, but how important it is to me that people I love lead happy lives and that we could share the feelings and work it out together. Or say I’m at least on the way.